Archive for December 2008
Merry Deathmas
In a bizarre Christmas Eve rampage in a Los Angeles suburb, a 45-year-old man in a Santa Claus outfit opened fire at a group of revelers in a house that moments later went up in flames, killing at least five people and injuring several others, the authorities said on Thursday.
Just thought we’d spread some cheer.
Can’t Have Your Hitler And Eat Cake Too
A New Jersey family is disappointed that the local supermarket ShopRite has refused to make a cake for their 3-year old child. While a normal family would be quite confused by ShopRite’s statement that it is inappropriate to commemorate their child’s birthday on a cake, this child’s name happens to be Adolph Hitler Campbell.
The couple, Heath and Deborah Campbell have two other children; JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, and also are idiots.
Hitler Cakes however, can be very tasteful (and tasty!)
So don’t be dissuaded, America, the closest you can get to extracting vengeance on Satan, is eating something which looks like Satan.
Shop @ ShopRite.
Face/Off (80% There!)
News from Cleveland, Ohio. In what has become known as the closest movie-replicating surgery to date, surgeon Maria Siemionow has performed the first almost-full facial transplant. 80% of a disfigured woman’s face was replaced with, we’re assuming 80% of a donor (quite obviously deceased) woman’s face.
Ethical issues have been raised since the first surgery of this kind was performed in France a couple of years back, though it was not nearly as extensive. Though its quite reasonable to assume that for a human to be in the unfortunate predicament of having extensive facial damage would be a life-stopping situation, it seems to UnderNews that the psychological damage to the donor’s acquaitances if they were to see 80% of their friend’s face walking around would be…. well…. They would probably change religions.
F 18 Fail
Shortly before noon today in San Diego, an F-18 jet managed to mistake a residential neighborhood for its proper landing location. Interestingly enough, the pilot was able to extricate himself from this disagreement with the airplane shortly before the manifestation of the plane’s conclusion.
UnderNews isn’t quite sure what was going through this pilot’s mind at the time, but it seems that on the off-chance that your airplane will hit a residential neighborhood, it would be best not to, indeed, fly such airplanes above the aforementioned residential neighborhoods.
Conclusions? Homeowner’s insurance.
Joe Satriani Punctuality FAIL
In News, guitarist Joe Satriani (of talented, but boring) fame, has filed court papers to sue Coldplay (of boring but popular) fame for their song Viva La Vida. While of course, the only reason anyone would ever sue anyone else over this particular matter is because Joe Satriani quite obviously has never had nearly the success that Coldplay has achieved.
UnderNews wants to express to Joe Satriani, also, that he is kind of an idiot because aha! CREAKY BOARDS DID IT!
Yes, Mr Satriani, a Brooklyn collective, Creaky Boards, has already called Coldplay out on copying their song (In June), Coldplay’s offering sounds much much more like the Creaky Boards’ song than yours. Go to sleep Mr. Satriani, you are no longer relevant, at least not to Coldplay. You’ll be remembered as a great guitarist, but I’m not sure that anyone will ever recall any of your songs.
And now, for your personal scientific pleasure, Coldplay (Warning: It’s Not Cool To Like Popular Music)
Joe Satriani (Warning: Viewing may lead to drowsiness, fatigue, vomiting and thoughts of suicide) Also, sounds nothing like Coldplay.
And of course, The Creaky Boards (Warning: Non-ironic listening to indie music will lead to “hipster” branding)
Job Losses Mean More Porn
(mom, don’t read this)
SFW!! (If you’re Unemployed)
The news organizations of this still-post-election-in-media-recession (not to mention we’ve-fired-all-our-staffers) news cycle, have been abuzz with force-fed-non-investigative-news that the United States Of Welfare has lost 533,000 jobs in the month of November. More than in any single month since, yes, you guessed it….a really really long time ago.
But, let’s get to why anyone’s currently reading this anyways:
Job losses mean that men and women are now at home, sometimes together and 55% divorced, with (one would guess) nothing much to do. With winter upon us, mowing the lawn is a luxury only those in the pleasant states still experience, and shoveling snow out of the driveway is only a task for 30-40 minutes ….tops….and then the boredom. UnderNews predicts that in this economical climate, and…. seasonal… climate…., people will be having more sex than ever. The breadwinner (now a bread-loser) will demand that all the sex which has been deferred due to the breadwinner’s dayjob, must now be repaid. Yes, I said it.
Enter: Porn
Porn, especially of extremely unattractive amateurs, will begin to dominate your favorite user-generated smut networks due to several factors.
a) The unemployed now only have one reason to live.
b) Real-people porn is the only kind which makes people feel better, rather than inferior.
c) Porn-tape blackmail is a great way to make sure that divorce proceedings are settled pre-mediation and entirely on your terms.
d) The internet is for porn.
e) Everyone knows that youre broke-ass isn’t going to afford to sugardaddy a younger woman anyways, so at least try to prove to the world that your post-5-children-wife is still at least a “5″.
f) You think that you can make money from your bedroom life (you can’t)
g) You have a camera.
Due to these reasons, it is certain that user-generated porn sites will achieve the highest traffic increases they’ve seen in a while, and that sales of Viagra will be off-the-scale. Invest in Pfizer….now.
Re-Re-Redux Obama Not Born In US
If you’re a WordPress user, or you are one of those who likes to read “both sides of the story” on blogs, you may have noticed a period of time in which the blogosphere (powered by the democratization of opinion via internet) was abuzz about Obama’s birth certificate, its potential forgery, and the rumors that he was born in either a) Indonesia (???) b) Kenya (???) c) Other Places (?????)… Links to these sources are not provided out of respect for the sanity of my readers, but you can easily find them.
Well, Obama has finally come clean, just weeks away from accepting his purportedly legitimate presidency in statements which should cause incredible shock and outrage at the shams of our political system.
(also…bow-ties are quite controversial)
SPOILER ALERT: Bernanke’s New Magic!
In a majestic feat of the same cash-magic which the Fed has been pulling recently, Ben Bernanke will hereforth attempt to do the impossible. A Logic-Defying, Fiscally-Confusing, Utterly-Ridiculous and Un-Regulated…..
The Fed Will Buy T-Bills.
Louder, this time
THE FED WILL BUY T-BILL$
For the lay people: One part of the Federal Government (The Federal Re$erve) will be looking to buy bond$ from another part of the government (The Trea$ury) in order to reduce the amount of trea$ury bond$ in the market, and thus rai$e their value.
Let me explain, the US Treasury finances its debt by selling Treasury Bonds (or T-Bills) on which it pays a small interest percentage (biggest customer = China), these are considered virtually risk-free because the US Treasury can always print more money to pay this debt. Unfortunately, the Federal Reserve is also part of the same system, and draws debt also from this same instrument. So when the Fed decides to buy T-bills, certain newspapermen might equate this to a snake eating its own tail.
Certain UnderWriters, however, think that this is more a case of our country eating its own excrement.
