Riding Sheep: An American Tradition?
UnderNews writers pride themselves on knowing random and obscure facts about the world, and being vocal with our contrarian opinions. However, when presented with the American Mid-Western tradition of riding sheep, this writer had absolutely nothing to say.
It’s called Mutton Bustin’ and it speaks for itself.
On this issue, every man/woman/whatever must decide for themselves…… so here are eight minutes and thirty-two seconds of a children-on-sheep competition.
New Mexico Boy Dies From The Plague (Really)
In news from two days ago which UnderNews was not able to uncover before today, it appears that a boy living in New Mexico, United States has died from the Bubonic Plague, most familiarly known as the Black Death.
Real news here (via UPI)
The boy of 8 years old and his 10 year old sister contracted the disease from an unknown source, in what became the first recorded case of the Black Death in the US this year. Officials have not released much information, though they have collected flea samples from the house, and notified neighbors that the Plague has been confirmed in their area. The news are rather silent on this as well, News.Google.Com’s count of “Related Stories” for the Plague situation is at 320, while stories of “President’s Date Night In Paris” number in the high 700’s.
Although there is no cause to worry about a possible outbreak (plague affects only 5 to 15 Americans each year), it is rather unnerving to read of cases of a dangerous and quite deadly disease (14% of American infections end in death) from the Middle Ages which is still not completely treatable killing Americans in the year 2009.
So, no flying cars, and the Black Death is still around? Nice…
To Celebrate….
Dear UnderReaders,
To celebrate our linking up with our new domain WWW.THEUNDERNEWS.COM, we have decided to let you get a little taste of the inner-workings of our (my) operation, with the Top 10 11 Searches by which users find this site!
And so…
Here they are…
The top two posts are “Radioactive Zombies” and yes, that one about “Gay Illegal Mexicans,” yet neither are really as interesting as the search terms make them out to be.
As always dear readers, please feel free to comment,
Thank You for being with us, and we look forward to seeing you in this unraveling new phase of our development.
Where The Misery Goes For Company
Residents of the SF Bay Area have long-known that Stockton, CA is quite a horrific place. So terrible in fact is its legend, that few Bay-Aryans even attempt to go there, even given its six Walgreens and one Walmart locations. It seems that now we know why, as
Stockton Has Officially (yes) Been Named The Most Miserable American City.
We here at UnderNews extend our sincerest apologies to you, oh jewel of the So-Deep-Inland-You-Had-To-Dig-A-Canal-To-Still-Qualify-As-The-Bay-Area, and we promise that we won’t think any iller of you than what we already do while driving our fancy SUVs to fashionable Lake Tahoe ski destinations, we will just make sure we have all the gas and cigarettes we need not to stop anywhere near you.
Picture Links To Forbes Story
Cuban Spy Crisis
Cuba is a country mostly forgotten by the American mind. With all of our own problems, and of course more pressing issues such as as the recent awkward adolescent behavior of Venezuela, the Latin American cocaine trade (insofar as it affects the amount of money you’ll give to your dealer later on tonight), who has time to ponder the problems of our small southern neighbor (this time, the term does not refer to Mexico).
Americans cannot travel to Cuba for matters of tourism (at least not directly), cannot do business in the country from home, or even from a foreign subsidiary, but as such, today we are relieved to know that even though he have forgotten about Cuba, they have not forgotten about us. An elderly American couple, of 72 and 71, have been charged with spying for the somewhere-around-the-Gulf-of-Mexico-area nation earlier today. The pair have allegedly been spying for the nation since they had traveled there in 1979 (when they were of an appropriate spying age).
While we would be deluding ourselves to think that spy cells from a great many countries (including allies) are not currently operating against the United States, the existence of such able and virile Cuban spies within our borders comes as a surprise. These spies, far from driving Aston Martins and having sexual relations with all kinds of women they meet along the way, were actually receiving their tasks via short-wave radio in Morse code (rather ghetto.) Though we don’t know how much information these old-schoolers were able to leak to the Cuban government (and what exactly Cuba would do with such information, seeing how their capabilities are rather, um, limited) we are happy that our anti-espionage element is able to spot even the least suspicious-appearing spies.
Far from improving our level of trust for each other, this news story reveals that those of us with state secrets must be doubly careful, because even as we look at the American Gothic painting, it might just be spying on us.
Real News Available For You (via MSNBC)
American Gothic Is Spying On You
Read Opinion Before Opining
As some may not be aware, the state supreme court opinions for every single case are found on the internet, and besides being a well-written piece of analysis, court opinions will also provide for you the basis to have an argument about the legality of things such as, same sex marriage, for example.
Reading this 185 court opinion will not only make you a smarter, and better-informed human being, but you will no longer raise the same objections which are being raised by those around you, and may actually be able to form your own, nuanced perception of what has traspired on May 26, 2009 at the California State Supreme Court.
The Document (PDF) Can Be Found Via courtinfo.ca.gov here, or by clicking the picture below.
(UnderNews believes that the best opinion about the court ruling can only be acquired by reading the court ruling, and therefore will not interfere with the reader’s right to become more educated and effective.)
Have a nice day,
Kim Jong-Il Prepares To Boost His Sexy With Flying Phallus
With the whole news world abuzz with the Dark-Lord Kim Jong-Il’s New Flying Phallus Machine, we here at UnderNews wanted to quickly remind the world who exactly runs the country of North Korea…
Sometimes He Gets Sad 
At Other Times, He Makes People Happy 
It’s Lonely At The Top, Yall..
But You Gotta Look On the Bright Side..
You’s A Movie Star Baby!
Just Don’t Let It Go To Your Head.
Now tell me, what are we afraid of, exactly?
Sexy Speeches, Shitty Gifts; Obama
In accordance with the special relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom, President Brown came over for dinner and a movie at President Obama’s house. Since the two lovers are now on very close terms, they decided that this visit would be wonderful for a gift exchange.
President Brown, not quite knowing what to bring, decided to find something which matches what the White House has already. He knew that the Oval Office has a desk, is made of a piece of wood, therefore Gordon Brown decided to bring along a pen-holder built from the wood of the boa which was the sister ship of the one the desk at the oval office is made from…Whatever Gordon Brown, that’s way too hard to explain.
President Obama, graciously taking pity on penniless bloggers on the interweb (while himself appearing absolutely penniless) presented PM Brown with….yes, DVDs. A box set of 25 American Classic movies was the gift our President Barack Obama gave to the PM of the UK in exchange for a piece of a boat, of the sister ship of the vessel which the desk in the oval office is made of.
Really Mr. Obama? Really?
Oh, and we would also like to mention that the DVDs which the US president gave to the British PM don’t work in the PM’s DVD-player, because they are encoded for Region 1. Nice.
Indians Love Pointless Protests Too!
In another example of the Americanification of foreign values, Mumbai slum residents have been spotted protesting the new film, “Slumdog Millionaire.” The protesters were keen to offer such biting criticism of the film’s title as, “I am poor, but don’t call me slumdog.”
Of course, UnderNews has no problem with humans expressing their views through protest (this is an important albeit highly annoying part of being a free human), but it seems that protests as trivial as the title of a film seem to be a very American thing.
So Dear India,
Hollywood is happy to make a rags-to-riches story both inspired by and acted out by your people. Americans will be happy to gain a new appreciation for slum life, and maybe to glimpse “the other side” whether it be of the globe, or of the poverty line, which we all soon will live under with you. We understand that the American life might seem glamorous, but please, please, don’t take after us. We’re the kind of people who chain themselves up to trees in order to prevent schools from being built. We’re the kind of people who abandon their 17 year old kids at orphanages. We can’t make up our minds about abortion, gays, or religion, and we have the highest percentage of creationists in the world.
So please India,
Protests slums, protest poverty,
But leave protesting movie titles to Americans who have nothing better to do except eat.
UnderNews
- Pointless Protest
Sticking Needles In Self Just As Effective As Acupuncture
With relatively few triumphs happening in the news recently, UnderNews wanted to call attention to some break-through health research which has come out Germany recently.
Not only does acupuncture work but it doesn’t matter where you stick the needles. Yes, ladies and gentlemen…triumphant news for the acupuncture needle companies, now that consumers are armed with the knowledge that one doesn’t need to be trained in the ancient Chinese school of BS medicine to feel results from said medicine.
These news come from research done to see whether acupuncture alleviates back pain better than pain relief medicine. It turned out that not only did acupuncture outperform Western medicine, but fake acupuncture did just as well to treat the pain condition as did acupuncture performed by a serious practitioner.
